My Body Image Story

I want to take a moment to discuss my relationships with body image, fitness, and exercise before I dive into anything else about how and why I exercise the way I do. I feel like it's only right that you understand my history so you can fully understand my story and anything I share related to exercise and fitness moving forward.

I have always struggled with my weight. My mom says it started when I'd spend long weeks with my grandparents, who never stopped me from eating all the ice cream and sugar I wanted (which was a lot because my sweet tooth is pretty much every tooth in my entire mouth), and it's continued ever since. I was also an only child, so most things weren't kept from me. (I feel like I should clarify that I am very grateful for the things my family has been able to provide for me - I do consider myself privileged in a lot of ways, but not spoiled. They worked hard so I could want for nothing, and I am so blessed.) My weight gain would be the most obvious when I would return from vacations of mostly eating all the sugary things I could get my hands on.

My mom also struggled with her weight, which left her worrying constantly about mine. She had a complex about the way she looked, and always talked about how dissatisfied she was with her body. This stemmed from my grandparents, who gave her a hard time, and have since voiced how worried they are about me. It hurts because who wants to disappoint their family? But it also hurts because it made me feel helpless -- how can I be this thin person that I've never been, that they want me to be? I don't remember ever talking about how awesome and complex my body was, or all of the things it was capable of doing. It was always negative because it didn't look like my thinner friends. Because I mirrored my mom, who complained that she was fat, hated her body, and wanted to lose weight. I also never remembered talking about healthy food, or healthy portions of "junk" food. Or eating slowly, or drinking a lot of water. Those were things I learned later, in college. Before that, I would eat out of a gallon tub of ice cream watching TV with my grandfather. Or see my step-dad sit down and eat the majority of a pecan pie in one sitting. To be honest, I don't want to place the blame on my family, but if it was what you were raised with, how do you know any differently? If I was allowed to indulge whenever I wanted, how long does self-discipline take to learn? Is it even possible? Because some days, it feels impossible. Stating the obvious here: it's really difficult.

I remember leading up to high school, I was forced to ride a stationary bike for 45 minutes out in our garage at least four days a week to get exercise in. Already, fitness was something that had a negative association to me. I was exercising not to be healthy, not to enjoy the outdoors or learn how hard I could push my body, but instead, I was exercising to not be fat. I was exercising because I was big and needed to lose weight.

There were a couple of times in 7th or 8th grade that I remember having issues with my body. Once was when I went shopping with my best friend, Julie. Julie has always been thin - even now, after two kids. She has always been active though, to be fair, and has incorporated exercise into her daily life for as long as I can remember. At the time, however, I didn't realize this and envied her a lot. This particular time, we were at JC Penney with her mom in the Juniors section, a section I was never really able to shop in because of my size. We grabbed some fun baby t's with cute graphics and headed into the dressing room. I remember tugging the fabric of the shirts over my shoulders and pulling them down over my stomach to see the graphics stretched and contorted, to see the tight cotton clinging to my sides, to know I was in their biggest size and it still looked like this. I felt so embarrassed. I placed them back on the shelves, and walked away with nothing. Julie had found at least two or three that looked nice, and I remember her telling me, "It's okay. Sometimes things don't fit on me either - having big boobs is annoying." While it was true that she did have a bigger chest than me in 7th grade, I knew most of it was her trying to be nice.

The other time was while we were all in the gym for recess and a few of my friends and I were talking about "happy trails," that faint line of hair that goes from your belly button down to the top of your jeans (c'mon, we were in a Christian elementary school), and who had them. When I lifted my shirt a little bit to see, my friend noticed I had started getting stretch marks and said, "Oh no, you've got stretch marks on your pretty stomach." My face flushed with heat as I pulled my shirt back down.

Looking back at pictures, I was categorized as slightly overweight growing up, and probably would have been fine if I had learned how to love exercise, learned portions and eating slower, and didn't struggle so much with a negative body image. I let my negative opinion of myself dictate my excuses for not getting more involved with people outside of my class during high school. The reason a guy wouldn't go with me to Barn Party had to have been because he had prettier, thinner classmates. Not because of the fact that we never talked a day in our lives to each other. Instead of learning to dress my body, I dressed in more masculine clothes to hide my shape. And on my senior class trip, I remember walking with Julie and another friend, who was also much thinner than me, in Myrtle Beach. We were going back to our hotel after shopping and walking along the main road, and I remember us getting catcalled. But instead of thinking it was toward us, I remember thinking, Those aren't for me. They're clearly for Julie and Lauren. Of course, as high school seniors, we didn't think it was insulting or offensive. They soaked it up. I smiled, but knew I actually wasn't included in the "compliments." They were meant for Julie and Lauren because I was the fat friend. And that was the attitude I still find myself using. It's always in the back of my mind.

I didn't take responsibility for my weight and health until college, when exercising became an outlet. The summer before my senior year, I fell in love with jogging. It started out with my mom and I saying we wanted to lose weight - we meal prepped and planned. We measured out portions, and we exercised every day. I was taking summer classes and had the time to jog on the treadmill for an hour to 90 minutes at least five days a week. And I dropped close to 20 pounds. I continued exercising on and off until I started grad school. While in grad school, I was working a full-time job, taking classes part-time and doing an internship part-time. I put all of the weight I lost back on plus some because I stopped exercising, believing it was something I didn't have time for. I was also struggling financially, and thought that I couldn't eat healthy because fresh food is expensive. (In reality, I feel like buying fresh produce isn't that bad, and if you're paying attention to which grocery stores are cheapest, it's 100% possible.)

And finally, I'm where I am now, the heaviest I've ever been. In order to be back at a healthy weight, I need to lose a whopping 80+ pounds. I often ask myself how I let this happen. I know how to portion my meals. I know I need to move . . . and so the self-depreciation begins. So, about a month ago, I broke down to my husband because I was tired of feeling bad about myself. And when I say bad about myself, I mean I felt physically bad because I wasn't eating right and exercising. I mean I hated the way I looked in the mirror. I would get nauseous at the thought of eating because I didn't want to gain more weight. These are all psychological problems that culminated into one evening that made me realize I can't do this on my own.

My husband and I were both active when we met, and he's been a small guy his entire life. But we've both put on some marriage weight that we're now trying to get off. It made sense to me the other day when we were discussing how we can help each other get healthy. We know what we need to do - we always have. It's an all-around lifestyle change, as I'm sure you've heard a million times before. It includes putting in the effort to get better sleep (and more, if you need it), eating better quality food (and maybe less, depending on your eating habits), and finding exercise you enjoy doing. The problem is we've been procrastinators our whole lives - things have usually come easier for us. We've had to work hard for some things in life, of course, but again, we have been very blessed - not spoiled.

So now, we're adjusting and realizing this stuff kind of takes a big commitment. It's kind of a big deal. I still struggle some days with my body image, but for the most part, I'm working on loving who I am because I know it extends beyond how my clothes look on me. Self-love is hard, especially when you're taught to hate a lot of things about you - either by the media or your family or just your own depreciating thoughts. At the end of the day though, practicing self-love is the most important and toughest thing you can do. How do you treat something that you worked hard and saved up for? Something that you treasure? You take care of it! I had to come to terms with the fact that if my body starts failing, no one is going to give me a new one and tell me I can have a do-over. It's up to me to make the change now and take care of this precious, full functioning one I've been given! My body is capable of amazing things. My responsibility is putting those capabilities to work!

Also, think about the people who love you - there are probably a lot (including me). If you can't find a reason to be healthy for you, think about your future kids, if you'd like to have them. I want to be able to run after my kids and not get out of breath in two seconds. I want to help my mom when she's older and needs me. I want to be able to bend over and do yard work well after I retire... if anything, make a positive motivational space that you'll see every day and write the reasons why, after that initial passion runs out, you want to keep up with this. And, if you're a Christian, remember that God created you! 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says it all, "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." Mercy!

How great to be human, and to have such a complex, beautiful body that can do truly incredible things!

It's a reminder I need to tattoo on my forehead! Everyone struggles with something, and my body image has always been mine. Soon, I'll be explaining my process for how I've gotten back into exercise and fitness. It hasn't been easy or consistent since 2017 started, but so far, it's been fun and worth it. I've found out along the journey that I'm an anxious exerciser, so if you find yourself in that same boat, do I have a post for you! :)

Thanks for reading, as always - this post was hard to write, but I hope it can help at least someone to realize you're not alone. Also, all of these pictures were when I was actually exercising regularly. They are here for my personal motivation as I haven't worked up enough courage to post more recent pictures...

If you're on a fitness journey, tell me about it. I'd love to hear and be part of it. Let's hold each other accountable.

Much love xoxo