Life Update Amid Coronavirus

Hi friends.

Where do I even begin? The last time I posted was almost six months ago, coming off the high of successfully finishing Whole30, and feeling pretty great. I think I can safely say that most of us didn't see what ended up happening actually coming like this. I had a lot of posts planned: recipes for bread, ideas for summer travel, actual travel, pottery things, exercise and running posts. And the only thing I've managed to do is update my 2020 reading list because I've been doing a lot of reading.

I currently feel like I'm in an emotional rut: every vacation has been cancelled, from weekend trips to see Major League Baseball games to week-long getaways to Michigan or Florida. Vacations are my lifeblood during the summers. It's when Robby has off school, and when the sometimes sting of the daily grind can be eased by time away. We managed to spend a week with my in-laws in Rehoboth Beach, but I still worked during the days. Even day trips planned with my mom were kept local to avoid crowds and the Coronavirus.

I'm aware that I come from a privileged position in multiple ways, so I'm trying to keep my complaining to a minimum. I just wanted to jump on here to show some sign of life since I haven't posted in six months, which wasn't my initial intention. My life is just now starting to feel like it's returning to some level of normalcy, even though I'm not quite sure what "normalcy" means anymore. Despite that, or because of that, I still find myself getting into deep emotional ruts. This past weekend, I was going through the thick of one: I had to cancel the last of my planned summer vacations, which I think put the nail in the coffin. There are also a lot of family issues happening behind the scenes that I'm not going to discuss, but that are proving to be mentally and emotionally taxing. To top it all off, something small in the form of dropping a baby gate on my big toe on Friday, and keeping me from going running, led me to feeling too emotionally exhausted to care about much of anything this weekend, including eating (I did eat, but I just didn't want to). So, cue today, where I could barely motivate myself to get out of bed for work, let alone pick up running again. I also feel slightly overwhelmed with pottery: I have a wood-firing workshop that I had signed up for and was told I have to throw 50-75 lbs of clay worth of projects before October 10. This includes getting everything bisque-fired before then, and glazing everything. If you don't do pottery, just know that that's probably equivalent to 36 hours of studio throwing time plus another 36 hours for trimming and another 36 hours for glazing.

In general, I've found that if I create a plan, I feel better and more motivated, so that's my goal for this week. Look at everything currently overwhelming me (running and pottery as the two main things overwhelming me, but that I can also control), and make a plan for how I can sanely get them in a balanced order. I enjoy creating plans, even if I don't end up following them to a tee. So, at least, here's how I am planning on organizing these two things:

Pottery

I keep a binder that is organized by current projects, completed projects, brainstorming ideas, and general notes. When my binder is updated, I tend to feel more at ease with pottery. In general, it can be paralyzing because of how many options you have (literally endless, especially when you think about the variations you can do for a single piece, let alone all the pieces you could create), so I like to list out a few pieces as top priorities, then update after I've created those pieces. This includes a brief sketch of the piece, it's current status (does it need to dry? be bisque-fired? glazed? glaze-fired?), and any further plans I have for it. Do I have a glaze idea in mind? Do I want to carve it a certain way? I write all of these things down. It helps to clear my head and keep me on track.

I am in desperate need to update my binder this week, especially with the plethora of projects I need to complete for woodfiring in October. In addition, one of the things I made cracked while drying over the weekend and will likely be unusable. This threw a wrench in my plans, and has caused me a little bit more anxiety, so just taking a moment to write everything down and create a new plan will help ease those feelings a bit more.

Running

I've been pretty proud of myself for being mostly consistent with exercise since the end of March. I've ran at least three times a week, and have even been able to incorporate cycling and kayaking every so often (cycling is currently on hold as I was using my bike to commute to/from work, but it has been too hot to do it consistently the past few weeks). I finished doing a 5k training and ran a virtual 5k in June, and have since been working on 10k training. I noticed probably mid-July that my average mile paces were getting slower and slower the further I was pushed to go, and so decided to switch to a different program that focused exclusively on building my endurance and requires me to run 4x/week (I chose the intermediate plan since I had finished a 5k; the beginning 10k plan is only 3x/week). The first week and a half went well until I dropped the baby gate on my toe. I skipped the last two runs of the second week, and decided that I would just pick up on week three today with an interval run. However, that thought overwhelmed me. I've never done interval runs before, and instead of keeping it simple to three .5mi intervals like the plan required, I tacked on the walking in between, and the warm-up and cool down and made the workout much longer than it needed to be in my head. When I woke up this morning, I felt overwhelmed not only with not being able to pick a route but with the large time commitment it now required in my mind. There's also an anxiety created when I can't start a planned week on a Sunday or Monday.

So how do I combat these thoughts? I usually give myself permission to back up and slow down. Sometimes, this means I take the week off from running and instead just ask myself to get out of the door for an easy morning walk or bike ride at least three times that week. Sometimes, it's getting on Map My Run and creating routes I feel comfortable with. This week, it might mean looking at the beginning 10k plan and dropping down to 3x/week for a little bit as 4x/week seems to be overwhelming me. I'm trying to talk myself off the ledge of cancelling the 10k I've signed up for in October, hoping this feeling of dread is more fleeting than permanent.

I also just need to be gracious with myself and remind myself of how far I've come. Running has always been anxiety-inducing because I carry a lot of self-consciousness with it. I'm a bigger-bodied person who feels like people look at me with a certain skepticism and judgment that they more than likely don't. And, even if they do, who actually cares? I've ran almost 100 miles in the past four and a half months. That's something to be proud of! And I shouldn't let anxiety over having to change my training schedule stop me from working toward bigger goals. I am capable of this! I always have been!

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I know I'm not the only one feeling overwhelmed with life right now. I see it from friends on Twitter and Instagram: this adjustment period sucks. Not being able to see friends and family, having plans cancelled, and being stuck at home is hard. You feel worn out from the mental toll it's all taking - I know I do. I'm finding that getting myself out of the emotional ruts sometimes requires me to sit in it for a day or two, then slowly wade through it, acknowledging that I'm mentally taxed, before making a plan and effort to get back into a routine. Talking about it with, in my case, my husband also helps so he's aware of what I'm going through and therefore doesn't feel stressed if making dinner seems like a chore to me, or if taking care of the animals is almost more of an effort than I can give. I've only experienced a couple during this time, but I've, so far, managed to get myself out of them with little damage.

I guess my main point in writing this is to say that if you're experiencing anything like I am, know that you're not alone and that it is possible to create some sense of normalcy even when everything feels like it's falling apart. It's okay to acknowledge that the world is kind of a shit show at the moment. Normalcy won't feel normal as we adjust to this new weird era. But, if you're like me, making a game plan for how to get out of it can be encouraging too. Either way, know that I'm right in the trenches with you and that we were made to get through tough things. Life isn't easy, and no one asked for these things to happen to them. We're going to get through this, but it's okay to know that life is very hard right now - more so than it normally is.

Sending you a lot of love right now.

Ashley